ADVENTure Day 5: Game of the Year Edition

Okay you guys, I think I might be strong with the force. I am having startling visions of the future and my midichlorian count is off the charts. Do you remember all the way back to yesterday when I said that I wished the whole damn world was ewok themed (except for pornography. With porn I'm a purist) and that I would be happy if my entire calendar was ewok themed? Well look at what I got today. Forget Modern Warfare 2. The Game of the Year is clearly:
Vintage Wicket the Ewok Boardgame!

Did that just blow your mind? It blew mine. This was by far the biggest present under the tree so I was pretty keen to rip into it because I am shallow like that. And I wasn't disappointed! There was no way I was expecting this. Well played, Suzanne! Well played! You've outdone yourself today!

The Internet tells me a lot of things and right now it tells me that this vintage game dates back to 1983. Yes, it is over 25 years old! Let's open it up and see what it looks like inside:

It appears that pretty much everything is inside. The game claims to be a food collection game around a simple track. The food is represented by tokens that look like this and each ewok has to gather one of each item in their basket:

Okay... let's get something perfectly straight. Ewoks don't eat frigging berries and nuts. EWOKS EAT PEOPLE. They were going to eat Han. They were going to eat Luke. They would have eaten Leia if she wasn't so difficult and didn't have 2 kilos of dangerous drugs circulating through her system. Even then they made her a dress made of human leather. Seriously, in certain shots you can see a pained human face stretched out on the back of it.

But the Lucasfilm marketing machine needed to sell this thing to kids so the true nature of these carnivorous beasts has been somewhat veiled. You just have to learn to read between the lines, people. The pears represent human hearts. The honey is human blood. The berries are human eyes. The nuts are nuts and the mushrooms are wee-wees. You need to collect them all for an ewok feast. This game is XXX EXXXTREME and I don't care who knows it. It separates the boys from men and the ladies from their clothing. This is for serious players only.

There are four ewoks you can choose from. Wicket (of course) because he is a rock star, Paploo who has managed to get his hands on the coveted ewok beer funnel, Princess Kneesa who is not worth talking about, and oh! What's this! Latara the sexy ewok!

Okay, if you don't know who Latara is (and I didn't originally either) she was introduced in the eighties Ewok cartoon and is the one with big eyelashes who looks kind of slutty. She is also known as Easy the Friendly Ewok and Goodtimes the Free-Love Ewok. A couple of months ago I actually bought this to celebrate Latara:

This is an original animation cel used in the production of the eighties cartoon. It was hand-drawn and hand-painted by an anonymous slave who was whipped for encouragement. You can see his tear stains and blood on the corner of the page.

Under the painted cel is the original pencil drawing. This thing cost me $6 on ebay and it was worth every cent although I am yet to get it framed. I have no idea what was happening in the scene it is taken from or what she is covered in but I would love to hear your puerile theories if you've got them. Great to see Latara getting her dues in this fast paced action board game. They should honour her with a figure. I think she'd be a great two-pack with Humpy the Ewok.

Sadly I'm not going to get a chance to play this game today, or review a crappy Christmas special, but rest assured it will be thoroughly tested before Christmas is through. But don't forget that you can still see what Suzanne got today on her blog right here. Coincidentally she also received a game involving vicious furry critters. What on earth could that be? Clink the link to find out!

Except nobody reads this on Saturdays. Not even me. So catch you later.

Christmas Special Special 4 (sort of): Humpity Hump Hump

After Sonic Ass Blast yesterday I can't justify spending the 21 minutes watching something new tonight. So instead I gift you this, Humpy the Ewok's Holiday Song and Music Video!

Okay... so I know that this came out of Halloween rather than Christmas, but the song is sung to the tune of Frosty the Snowman, so it kind of has a foot in both camps and humps them both vigorously.

The song appeared on the Forcecast Star Wars podcast and I believe was written by a forum member and sung by some guy they know in a band. The quality of the song itself is variable but you can't go past the highlight reel of some of Humpy's finest antics. If you're not humming, "Humpity Hump Hump" to yourself all day tomorrow then I honestly don't know what to do with you.

But you're not here to listen to me. You're here to get your hump on. Take it away, Humpy!



Whoa! Humpy has humped his way through my post borders! He has humped up my entire layout! That mischievious humping ewok!!

ADVENTure Day 4: Yub Yub

Another day another early morning rush to worship at the altar of our Christmas tree and to choose another present. Today I picked a rather modest little rectangular box which felt almost empty. Is it a button? A grain of sand? A breath of fresh air?

NO! YOU ARE SO GODDAMN WRONG IT BRINGS SHAME TO YOUR FAMILY.

This was something way, way better. Today's present strays firmly into the centre of awesome country and constructs a new capital.

I give you:


HALLMARK EWOK ORNAMENTS FROM 1998!

I love everything ewoks. If they made an ewok themed guillotine I'd stick my head it. If they made ewok brass knuckles I would punch myself in the face. As far as I am concerned, put them on everything. Ewoks make everything at least 300% better! Forget all these fly-by-night fads of vampires and zombies. Even ninjas. Ewoks are Original Gangsta. They play drums with severed heads and eat people like you for breakfast.

Hallmark seriously ups the ante by packing three of these vicious little critters together. Obviously the middle one there is obviously rock star idiot savante Wicket, but I don't know the names of the other two. But one has a stillborn baby and the other one a beer funnel! HARDCORE! And all of them want to murder you with logs!

These are intended as Christmas ornaments and have loops in their heads so you can hang them in your tree (lesson: ewoks live in trees), but despite the detailed sculpts these things are super tiny. Each one would be lucky to be an inch or so high. They would get lost in our mighty K-Mart Christmas tree so I am going to send these to be shelved with the main collection. I already own a Slave Leia and a Chewbacca ornament although those ones are about 4 times taller (Scale, Hallmark!) Goddamn... I wonder if they ever made an Ackbar? Can you imagine it? That would make Christmas so amazing that the North Pole would explode.

Next year I want an ADVENTure that is 100% ewoks! Yub yub FTW! Awesome!

Don't forget to see what I bought Suzanne today right here at her blog. Especially if you like creating and ingesting Japanese gadget cats from the future. Oh god. I've said too much.

More tomorrow - a HUGE present went under the tree this afternoon and I think I am going to battle it!

Christmas Special Special 3: Sonic Christmas Blast

Nothing says traditional family Christmas like a smart-talking blue hedgehog that can run, really, really fast. The horrors of the Internet have just introduced me to a little something called: Sonic Christmas Blast. And it's true. It is a blast. But more like a blast to the face. With a shotgun.
Yeah, so video game mascot Sonic the Hedgehog apparently has his own animated series where he consistently proves that he is ten thousand times more annoying when he opens his mouth. When iw as a kid I loved the games, but here Sonic says things like, and I quote: "Come on Tails, we gotta' juice and cut it loose!" Whatever that means. Is that a come on? It sounds like some sort of code.

Bizarrely (perhaps fortunately) Sonic is completely absent for the first four minutes. We start in the city where some hideously malformed child and his pals gather to watch Santa's on screen press conference. But Santa is not what he seems - he quickly announces his retirement and introduces his replacement, the evil Robotnik Claus who takes presents instead of giving them.

This already raises some difficult questions. Where is the real Santa and why is he letting this foul charade happen? We've already drawn the apt comparison between Santa/Jesus/God, and much like God, Santa is standing by doing nothing while bad things happen. Is this to teach us a lesson? Is this proof that God does not exist? Are we completely alone? Doomed to disappointment? Is the whole world meaningless?

Just when it's all nice and philosophical Sonic the hedgehog is thrown into the mix. Okay... let me vent about this guy because he pisses me off. Firstly he's kind of gross. He wears running shoes and gloves and no pants, which you can kind of accept in a cartoon conventions kind of way, until you see him talking to his highly fetishised girlfriend, Sue, who has long eyelashes, boobs, and is also naked expect for some thigh-high fuck-me boots. And they're in the snow! People, this is where furries come from. Every time Sonic and Sue take off their clothes another furry is born:


And Sonic's fox friend Tails is no better. He talks like a lispy, cutesy five-year-old in a sitcom and you want to punch him in the face. Why is he there? What is the relationship between these two? Is he Sonic's illegitimate son? And Tails doesn't advance the plot at all, all he does is whine and give up.

But the absolute worst thing about Sonic is that he is totally smug. He's always pulling the same damn expression where his eyebrows are down like he's angry but at the same time he's smiling.


Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi calls this 'tuding' and it pisses him off. Click the link, it's a good read. Oh Jesus... I'm watching this thing while I type and Sonic just said, "So enough stallin' let's get haulin'" And then he pulls that frigging face. ARRRRRRRGH.

Look, trying to explain the plot of this thing would be like trying to explain where babies come from to a Mexican bear using only coloured flags. Much like the Punky Brewster special, Sonic feels like an A-Grade dick because he doesn't have the money/wallet/pockets/pants to buy his stupefying girlfriend Sue a proper Christmas present, and it turns out that Robotnik has Santa stashed in an ice cave completely throwing out my uncaring God theory. And much like the Pacman special we see scenes of a gloomy, given-up Santa moaning about how Christmas will be well and truly rooted this year unless a 'tuding videogame character bails him out. And then there's some other completely incoherent shit about a ring that Sue gave Sonic ten years or go or something actually is part of a complicated Santa formula that will unlock the Secret of Ultimate Velocity. Whatever that is.

Sonic wears a fake moustache. Robotnik takes off his pants. There's some eXXXtreme hangliding. This thing moves way too fast for my feeble thirty-year-old mind. I'm still trying to figure out the opening montage. So how do they solve everything? Take a guess.

Did you guess that Sonic runs really fast?

Yeah. So Sonic uses the ultimate velocity to steal back the presents and then run around the world and distribute all the presents forcing a completely redundant sad sack of shit Santa to reluctantly pass him the crown and dub him Sonic Claus. Sonic gives Sue a whole heap of presents thus buying her loyalty and affection until at least the end of January. Tails says something stupid and Sonic 'tudes at the camera. And did you know that Sonic is voiced by the guy that played Steve Urkel?? "Did I do thaaAaat?" Yeah you did. And it sucked.

So three specials down and what have we learnt? Don't shoplift. Buy your loved ones nice presents. Don't get chomped. I call bullshit! None of this stuff has made me feel Christmassy! Maybe next time. Oh well... gotta juice and cut it loose!

ADVENTure Day 3: We Wish You a Moai Christmas!

Day 3 and our festive ADVENTure gets more exciting at every turn. This morning, determined not to bore you with another history of action figures, I went for one of the most non-action-figure-yielding gifts under the tree: a medium sized cylindrical present that when lifted contained a surprising amount of heft.

What could it possibly be? A really heavy packed of biscuits?

Oh wow! Look!


It's an Easter Island head tiki mug from Japan!! (Well, at least is says 'Japan' on the bottom - I have no idea of the full story behind this one).

By now I should be well and truly outed as a tiki enthusiast. I began slowly amassing my tiki collection in 2002 when I stumbled upon some galleries of tiki art that became the catalyst for my much loved/maligned musical Risky Lunar Love. In our bedroom there's a hokey old mantlepiece above the fireplace that bears a large embossed image of a pirate-style ship, and all my tropical tiki treasures from over the years are huddled along it. I probably own 20+ mugs (along with a slew of related merchandise) and my favourite of those have all been gifts.

I have no lame jokes to say about this guy today as I have the utmost respect and reverence for my craven Gods. Let's officially add Easter Island to the list of places that I say I'll go to but probably won't. Maybe Hawaii though. I so wanna' get lei'ed and eat a pig.

Today I bought Suzanne something that is far too difficult to explain. Except to say that it's brown, furry, and will freak you the fuck out. I'll let her attempt to justify its existence right here at her blog.

MORE ZANY CHRISTMASNESS TOMORROW, DEAR READER! Oh shit... and now I still have to find a Christmas special to watch...

Christmas Special Special 2: Punky Brewster is a Thief

Tonight we had planned to get our Christmas fix watching the students sing Christmas carols at the school, but after a late meal and some fine procrastinating we never actually made it. So not wishing to see any decline in my Christmas spirit level, I have once again hit up Youtube for my 21 minute fix. I give you:

Punky Brewster in: Christmas Shoplifting.

Hmm... I wonder what that could possibly be about?

You have to be of a certain vintage to even know what a Punky Brewster even is. Suzanne leant over and said incredulously, "Wait... Punky's a girl?" I know I watched this shit as a kid but I proudly confess that even I don't recall a great deal about it. But the opening title music soon flooded back some memories and the opening title montage helped to fill in the gaps.

I guess that Punky is some sort of latchkey kid. She's called Punky because she's streetwise, but only in an embarrassing eighties sense. She's a punk because she wears odd socks and a jacket that she jacked from Rainbow Brite. Seriously, Gary "Arnold Jackson" Coleman was from Harlem and he would totally kick her ass. She lives in a tiny apartment with a miserable old grey-haired man that wears cardigans and hikes his pants really high. I think he's supposed to be her foster parent, but why anyone would entrust a small pig-tailed girl with a grouchy old single guy that nests in a hovel is beyond me, so we're forced to read between the lines and assume that he purchased her on the black market.

I have to tell you, the whole thing reeks of poverty and desperation. The sets are bleak, the characters unhappily sleepwalk through the whole thing and it's written as though the writer was nodding off himself. "So then Punky says.....zzzzzzzzzzz...snort....wstfgl? Wheredafugnow? Hnnh? Oh... so Punky says... zzzzzzz".

It's not even a real sitcom. I mean, sure, there's kind of a situation created, but the comedy is completely absent. There's a few feeble one-liners but none of them are delivered with any particular gusto. It's like watching a bland education in schools performances where the actors got too hammered the night before.

The plot can thankfully be summed up very quickly. Punky has aspirations to buy everyone she's ever laid eyes on a Christmas present so her and her little friend go to the mall (which is having a special "street sale" which essentially means that the "mall" set consists of a couple of trestle tables out in the open). Quickly Punky comes to the conclusion that she's a dumb shit kid that incapable of drawing up a budget, and she only has $3 left to buy Henry (the grouchy cardigan guy) a present. Then some douche fat blonde kid tells her that shoplifting is awesome and that stores love it because they collect on the insurance money. Shoplifting is mega rad.

Now, think about this for a second. Punky is a kid that learns a moral lesson approximately every 21 minutes. So why would she think that stealing was okay? Because she's a dumb shit latchkey kid, that's why. She grabs an ugly cashmere scarf for Henry and shoves it in her bag.

But oh noes, you guys! Her bag gets switched with her adult neighbourhood friend Mike (who happens to be black, which may or may not be relevant to what happens next - you be the judge) and a security guard quickly grabs hold of Mike, and throws him into jail.

What?

He does what?

Seriously?

Yes. I don't know if the jail is in the open air mall, or what, but they throw the still protesting Mike into a filthy cell with at least three other criminals. They don't question him or anything. And they leave him there. Presumably forever. Luckily we don't see the scene where they beat him around.

So Mike's in a cell with a thieving Santa Claus (shoe-horned in just in case, like me, and the writer, you've nodded off and forgotten this was a Christmas special) who happens to be lazily portrayed by Al from Happy Days. Punky finds out through Henry that Mike is rapidly deteriorating in the slammer so finally she sets off to put things right. I'm assuming that a few years have passed by this stage.

Mike lectures Punky. Apparently the stores don't like it when you shoplift shit at all. In fact they hate it. So don't do it. Okay? And that's really the extent of the Christmas special message. No love, no peace, no giving. Just don't steal shit y'all because it jacks up prices. You hear me kids? SHOPLIFTING IS A DICK MOVE.

Naturally Henry is furious, so how do they punish Punky? Why of course they give her a job at the mall!

What?

Wait?

Seriously?

WTF now?

You're kidding me.

No... she's now wrapping gifts at the mall which means that her light fingers get to dance across everybody's merchandise. Oh the temptation, Punky! What are you going to do?

As an end note, dumb shit latchkey kid Punky Brewster was played by Soleil Moon Frye who was actually born the same year as me. So let's look her up and see what she is doing now. That should be good for a laugh. I bet she some's hideous old -


Holy shit...

I mean...
Wow.


I just...


BRB.

ADVENTure day 2: Nothin' Funner than a Gunner

What I love most about ADVENTure is that it happens EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY. I was still on a high from yesterday's gift and then I got to open ANOTHER ONE THIS MORNING. And in about 16 hours I get to OPEN ANOTHER ONE. You know what else GETS MY MOTOR RUNNING? CAPS LOCK! I AM GODDAMN CRAZY FOR IT.

So this morning I thought I would venture into one of the neatly gift wrapped noodleboxes that has found it's way under the tree. What could be inside? Obviously, noodles. Or maybe some rice. If I'm lucky there might be chicken or even some cashews. Either way, I figure I had better open this thing before it gets cold. And bear in mind I still hadn't had breakfast.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG AGAIN!

Yesterday I thought I had a Star Wars figure, but ended up with a cheating Nazi baby-eating slattern. Today I thought I had noodles and/or rice and ended up with... a Star Wars figure! Which one...

It's the Nikto gunner!
Okay... let's get something right out in the open. I understand that a gift like this is not the least bit interesting or exciting to about 95% of you. BUT GOOD LORD IT'S EXCITING TO ME. And I am rest assured that this is a lucky coincidence from yesterday - they certainly won't all be action figures (although I'd be thrilled if they were).

But you see, what you need to understand is that the whole Star Wars market is collapsing due to the global financial crisis. The Clone Wars animated stuff aimed at kids still sells, but the obscure original trilogy characters don't anymore. And as such Australia has completely skipped about the last four waves (bear with me people, I'll compensate with a dick joke in a minute). Even in the US these are becoming difficult to get. I just can't get this guy over here.

The whole problem stems from the shitty character selection released last year that is still clogging our shelves. They released Jimmy Smits, his barely seen onscreen wife, and the six-titted dancer Yarna D'Al' Gargan from Jabba's palace. 18 months later and all these unsold characters still cling sadly to the racks. Who were they aimed at? Is a kid going to buy them? As for me, I'll buy ANY character I don't already own. Seriously. I'd buy the Jedi temple librarian. Chewie's malformed son. If they released Otto Dix, Yarna's eight-penised uncle I would buy him in a second, (Dick joke dutifully delivered as promised).

So this Nikto guy is from Return of the Jedi which was my absolute favourite movie as a kid, and even now is still the movie that I most want them to merchandise. If a figure comes from Jabba's palace or the ewok scenes then I will eagerly pile my cash into George Lucas' bottomless pockets. This guy had the shitty job of manning the gun on Jabba's sail barge, or skiff or something. I don't know, if you blink you'll miss him. All I know is that a) he probably got his ass kicked by Luke Skywalker, and b) the desert sun has been unkind to his complexion.

The really cool thing is that his gun has a clip on the bottom which allows me to do this:

Now he can actually gun from the skiff above my incredibly awesome and recently acquired, exclusive, man-eating sand-vagina. Faithfully recreating this scene has been my life's work, only surpassed by my endeavours to finally score a vintage ewok village. Nothing says Christmas spirit like cheating Nazis and/or a cavernous razor-toothed sand-flange.

DECK THE HALLS, DEAR READER!

Of course, this is only half the story. To see what I bought Suzanne today you need to go to her blog here. It's a double gift that spans supernatural glimpses of the future and a dark, weird movie from the eighties. If you miss it your legs will fall off.

DON'T LET YOUR LEGS FALL OFF, PEOPLE. CLICK THE DAMN LINK.